Nikolai Gogol Fullscreen Auditor (1851)

Pause

I'm glad to see you.

Take a seat, take a seat.

Will you have a cigar? [Offers him a cigar.]

LUKA [to himself, hesitating].

There now!

That's something I hadn't anticipated.

To take or not to take?

KHLESTAKOV.

Take it, take it. It's a pretty good cigar.

Of course not what you get in St. Petersburg.

There I used to smoke twenty-five cent cigars. You feel like kissing yourself after having smoked one of them.

Here, light it. [Hands him a candle.]

Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar shaking all over.

KHLESTAKOV. Not that end, the other.

LUKA [drops the cigar from fright, spits and shakes his hands. Aside].

Confound it! My damned timidity has ruined me!

KHLESTAKOV.

I see you are not a lover of cigars.

I confess smoking is my weakness—smoking and the fair sex.

Not for the life of me can I remain indifferent to the fair sex.

How about you?

Which do you like more, brunettes or blondes?

Luka Lukich remains silent, at a complete loss what to say.

KHLESTAKOV. Tell me frankly, brunettes or blondes?

LUKA.

I don't dare to know.

KHLESTAKOV.

No, no, don't evade.

I'm bound to know your taste.

LUKA.

I venture to report to you—[Aside.] I don't know what I'm saying.

KHLESTAKOV.

Ah, you don't want to say.

I suppose some little brunette or other has cast a spell over you.

Confess, she has, hasn't she?

Luka Lukich remains silent.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you're blushing.

You see.

Why don't you speak?

LUKA.

I'm scared, your Hon—High—Ex—[Aside.] Done for! My confounded tongue has undone me!

KHLESTAKOV.

You're scared?

There IS something awe-inspiring in my eyes, isn't there?

At least I know not a single woman can resist them. Isn't that so?

LUKA.

Exactly.

KHLESTAKOV.

A strange thing happened to me on the road. I ran entirely out of cash.

Can you lend me three hundred rubles?