The Reverend McMillan’s face was gray and drawn.
His eyes were sad.
He had been listening, as he now felt, to a sad and terrible story — an evil and cruel self-torturing and destroying story.
This young boy — really —!
His hot, restless heart which plainly for the lack of so many things which he, the Reverend McMillan, had never wanted for, had rebelled.
And because of that rebellion had sinned mortally and was condemned to die.
Indeed his reason was as intensely troubled as his heart was moved.
“No, I had not.”
“You were, as you say, angry with yourself for being so weak as not to be able to do what you had planned to do.”
“In a way it was like that, yes.
But then I was sorry, too, you see.
And maybe afraid.
I’m not exactly sure now.
Maybe not, either.”
The Reverend McMillan shook his head.
So strange!
So evasive!
So evil!
And yet —
“But at the same time, as you say, you were angry with her for having driven you to that point.”
“Yes.”
“Where you were compelled to wrestle with so terrible a problem?”
“Yes.”
“Tst! Tst! Tst!
And so you thought of striking her.”
“Yes, I did.”
“But you could not.”
“No.”
“Praised be the mercy of God.
Yet in the blow that you did strike — unintentionally — as you say — there was still some anger against her.
That was why the blow was so — so severe.
You did not want her to come near you.”
“No, I didn’t.
I think I didn’t, anyhow.
I’m not quite sure.
It may be that I wasn’t quite right.
Anyhow — all worked up, I guess — sick almost.
I— I—” In his uniform — his hair cropped so close, Clyde sat there, trying honestly now to think how it really was (exactly) and greatly troubled by his inability to demonstrate to himself even — either his guilt or his lack of guilt.
Was he — or was he not?
And the Reverend McMillan — himself intensely strained, muttering:
“Wide is the gate and broad the way that leadeth to destruction.”
And yet finally adding: “But you did rise to save her.”
“Yes, afterwards, I got up.
I meant to catch her after she fell back.
That was what upset the boat.”
“And you did really want to catch her?”
“I don’t know.
At the moment I guess I did.
Anyhow I felt sorry, I think.”
“But can you say now truly and positively, as your Creator sees you, that you were sorry — or that you wanted to save her then?”