I’ve been fighting all along to save my country. Now I’m going to fight a little to save myself. The country’s not in danger any more, but I am.’
‘The war’s not over yet.
The Germans are driving toward Antwerp.’
‘The Germans will be beaten in a few months.
And Japan will be beaten a few months after that.
If I were to give up my life now, it wouldn’t be for my country. It would be for Cathcart and Korn.
So I’m turning my bombsight in for the duration.
From now on I’m thinking only of me.’
Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile,
‘But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way.’
‘Then I’d certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn’t I?’
Yossarian sat up straighter with a quizzical expression. ‘You know, I have a queer feeling that I’ve been through this exact conversation before with someone.
It’s just like the chaplain’s sensation of having experienced everything twice.’
‘The chaplain wants you to let them send you home,’ Major Danby remarked. ‘The chaplain can jump in the lake.’
‘Oh, dear.’
Major Danby sighed, shaking his head in regretful disappointment.
‘He’s afraid he might have influenced you.’
‘He didn’t influence me.
You know what I might do?
I might stay right here in this hospital bed and vegetate.
I could vegetate very comfortably right here and let other people make the decisions.’
‘You must make decisions,’ Major Danby disagreed.
‘A person can’t live like a vegetable.’
‘Why not?’
A distant warm look entered Major Danby’s eyes.
‘It must be nice to live like a vegetable,’ he conceded wistfully.
‘It’s lousy,’ answered Yossarian.
‘No, it must be very pleasant to be free from all this doubt and pressure,’ insisted Major Danby.
‘I think I’d like to live like a vegetable and make no important decisions.’
‘What kind of vegetable, Danby?’
‘A cucumber or a carrot.’
‘What kind of cucumber? A good one or a bad one?’
‘Oh, a good one, of course.’
‘They’d cut you off in your prime and slice you up for a salad.’
Major Danby’s face fell.
‘A poor one, then.’
‘They’d let you rot and use you for fertilizer to help the good ones grow.’
‘I guess I don’t want to live like a vegetable, then,’ said Major Danby with a smile of sad resignation.
‘Danby, must I really let them send me home?’ Yossarian inquired of him seriously.
Major Danby shrugged.
‘It’s a way to save yourself.’
‘It’s a way to lose myself, Danby.
You ought to know that.’
‘You could have lots of things you want.’
‘I don’t want lots of things I want,’ Yossarian replied, and then beat his fist down against the mattress in an outburst of rage and frustration. ‘Goddammit, Danby!
I’ve got friends who were killed in this war.
I can’t make a deal now.
Getting stabbed by that bitch was the best thing that ever happened to me.’
‘Would you rather go to jail?’
‘Would you let them send you home?’