He still thinks you’re dead.
They knocked open an artery for you, but I think I’ve got it stopped.
I gave you some morphine.’
‘Give me some more.’
‘It might be too soon.
I’ll give you some more when it starts to hurt.’
‘It hurts now.’
‘Oh, well, what the hell,’ said McWatt and injected another syrette of morphine into Yossarian’s arm.
‘When you tell Nately I’m all right…’ said Yossarian to McWatt, and lost consciousness again as everything went fuzzy behind a film of strawberry-strained gelatin and a great baritone buzz swallowed him in sound.
He came to in the ambulance and smiled encouragement at Doc Daneeka’s weevil-like, glum and overshadowed countenance for the dizzy second or two he had before everything went rose-petal pink again and then turned really black and unfathomably still.
Yossarian woke up in the hospital and went to sleep.
When he woke up in the hospital again, the smell of ether was gone and Dunbar was lying in pajamas in the bed across the aisle maintaining that he was not Dunbar but a fortiori.
Yossarian thought he was cracked.
He curled his lip skeptically at Dunbar’s bit of news and slept on it fitfully for a day or two, then woke up while the nurses were elsewhere and eased himself out of bed to see for himself.
The floor swayed like the floating raft at the beach and the stitches on the inside of his thigh bit into his flesh like fine sets of fish teeth as he limped across the aisle to peruse the name on the temperature card on the foot of Dunbar’s bed, but sure enough, Dunbar was right: he was not Dunbar any more but Second Lieutenant Anthony F. Fortiori.
‘What the hell’s going on?’
A. Fortiori got out of bed and motioned to Yossarian to follow.
Grasping for support at anything he could reach, Yossarian limped along after him into the corridor and down the adjacent ward to a bed containing a harried young man with pimples and a receding chin.
The harried young man rose on one elbow with alacrity as they approached.
A. Fortiori jerked his thumb over his shoulder and said,
‘Screw.’
The harried young man jumped out of bed and ran away.
A. Fortiori climbed into the bed and became Dunbar again.
‘That was A. Fortiori,’ Dunbar explained.
‘They didn’t have an empty bed in your ward, so I pulled my rank and chased him back here into mine.
It’s a pretty satisfying experience pulling rank.
You ought to try it sometime.
You ought to try it right now, in fact, because you look like you’re going to fall down.’
Yossarian felt like he was going to fall down.
He turned to the lantern jawed, leather-faced middle-aged man lying in the bed next to Dunbar’s, jerked his thumb over his shoulder and said
‘Screw.’
The middle-aged man stiffened fiercely and glared.
‘He’s a major,’ Dunbar explained.
‘Why don’t you aim a little lower and try becoming Warrant Officer Homer Lumley for a while?
Then you can have a father in the state legislature and a sister who’s engaged to a champion skier.
Just tell him you’re a captain.’
Yossarian turned to the startled patient Dunbar had indicated.
‘I’m a captain,’ he said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder.
‘Screw.’
The startled patient jumped down to the floor at Yossarian’s command and ran away.
Yossarian climbed up into his bed and became Warrant Officer Homer Lumley, who felt like vomiting and was covered suddenly with a clammy sweat.
He slept for an hour and wanted to be Yossarian again.
It did not mean so much to have a father in the state legislature and a sister who was engaged to a champion skier.
Dunbar led the way back to Yossarian’s ward, where he thumbed A. Fortiori out of bed to become Dunbar again for a while.
There was no sign of Warrant Officer Homer Lumley.
Nurse Cramer was there, though, and sizzled with sanctimonious anger like a damp firecracker.
She ordered Yossarian to get right back into his bed and blocked his path so he couldn’t comply.
Her pretty face was more repulsive than ever.
Nurse Cramer was a good-hearted, sentimental creature who rejoiced unselfishly at news of weddings, engagements, births and anniversaries even though she was unacquainted with any of the people involved.
‘Are you crazy?’ she scolded virtuously, shaking an indignant finger in front of his eyes.