I have failed and I speak badly of all who have succeeded.
Then his contrition did not last, and he said to himself, ''Except the brown-nosers, the five and ten and twenty percenters and all the jerks from wherever who never fought and hold commands.''
They killed several men from the academy at Gettysburg.
That was the big kill day of all kill days, when there was a certain amount of opposition by both sides.
Don't be bitter.
They killed General McNair by mistake the day the Valhalla Express came over.
Quit being bitter.
People from the Academy were killed and there are statistics to prove it.
How can I remember if I am not bitter?
Be as bitter as you want.
And tell the girl, now silently, and that will not hurt her, ever, because she is sleeping so lovely. He said lovely to himself since his thinking was often ungrammatical.
CHAPTER 34
SLEEP softly, my true love, and when you wake, this will be over and I will joke you out of trying to learn details of the triste metier of war and we will go to buy the little negro, or moor, carved in ebony with his fine features, and his jeweled turban.
Then you will pin him on, and we will go to have a drink at Harry's and see whoever or whatever of our friends that will be afoot at that hour.
We will lunch at Harry's, or we'll come back here, and I will be packed.
We will say good-bye and I will get into the motoscafo with Jackson, and make some cheerful crack to the Gran Maestro and wave to any other members of the Order, and ten to one, the way I feel right now, or two will get you thirty, we will not ever see one another again.
Hell, he said to no one, and certainly not aloud, I've felt this way before many fights and almost always at some time in the fall of the year, and always when leaving Paris.
Probably it doesn't mean a thing.
Who gives a damn anyway except me and the Gran Maestro and this girl; I mean at command level.
I give very much of a damn myself.
But I certainly should be trained and adjusted by this time not to give a muck for nothing; like the definition of a whore. A woman who does not etc.
But we won't think about that boy, lieutenant, captain, major, colonel, general sir.
We will just lay it on the line once more and the hell with it, and with its ugly face that old Hieronymus Bosch really painted.
But you can sheathe your scythe, old brother death, if you have got a sheath for it.
Or, he added, thinking of Hurtgen now, you can take your scythe and stick it up your ass.
It was Passchendaele with tree bursts, he told nobody except the wonder light on the ceiling.
Then he looked at the girl, to see that she was sleeping well enough so even his thoughts would not hurt her.
Then he looked at the portrait and he thought, I have her in two positions, lying down, turned a little on her side, and looking at me straight in front.
I'm a lucky son of a bitch and I should never be sad about anything.
CHAPTER 35
THE first day there, we lost the three battalion commanders.
One killed in the first twenty minutes and the other two hit later.
This is only a statistic to a journalist.
But good battalion commanders have never yet grown on trees; not even Christmas trees which was the basic tree of that woods.
I do not know how many times we lost company commanders how many times over.
But I could look it up.
They aren't made, nor grown, as fast as a crop of potatoes is either.
We got a certain amount of replacements but I can remember thinking that it would be simpler, and more effective, to shoot them in the area where they detrucked, than to have to try to bring them back from where they would be killed and bury them.
It takes men to bring them back, and gasoline, and men to bury them.
These men might just as well be fighting and get killed too.
There was snow, or something, rain or fog, all the time and the roads had been mined as many as fourteen mines deep in certain stretches, so when the vehicles churned down to a new string deeper, in another part of the mud, you were always losing vehicles and, of course, the people that went with them.
Besides just mortaring it all to hell and having all the fire-lanes taped for machine gun, and automatic weapon fire, they had the whole thing worked out and canalized so however you out-thought them you ran right into it.
They also shelled you with heavy artillery fire and with at least one railway gun.
It was a place where it was extremely difficult for a man to stay alive even if all he did was be there.
And we were attacking all the time, and every day.
Let's not think about it.
The hell with it.
Maybe two things I will think about and get rid of them.
One was a bare-assed piece of hill that you had to cross to get into Grosshau.
Just before you had to make this run, which was under observation with fire by 88's, there was a little piece of dead ground where they could only hit you with a howitzer, only interdicting fires, or, from the right by mortar.